TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely from spot. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But yes, confident, let's have Yet another put exactly where American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer you All people a set within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he must quit employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the venture, replied, "You know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a attribute being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed Trump Tower Damascus lawsuits immediately after finding the constructing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It really is not simply unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Options


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where guests might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "If You Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have turn-down provider."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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